TIME OUT: If T.O. wanted to kill himself, T.O. would’ve killed himself!

I do not believe Terrell Owens (T.O.) was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday because he was dying from depression. Instead, I suspect he was rushed there because he was dying for attention. After all, with T.O., it’s all about getting attention: if not on the field, then by any means necessary….

Remember folks, this is the player who could not settle for the spontaneous dance many players perform when they score a touchdown. Instead, T. O. had to stick a sharpee in his socks to pull out and autograph the ceremonial football to celebrate his scores.

This is the player who could not settle for bad-mouthing the opposing team to get pumped-up for a game. Instead, T.O. had to pick self-destructive fights with the quarterback on his own team; e.g., calling Jeff Garcia of the San Francisco 49ers “gay” and Donovan McNabb of the Philadelphia Eagles “overrated” (petty fights which got him kicked off both teams).

This is a player who – when his coach suspended him for his disruptive behavior – lured the press from covering his team’s workouts to cover his physical exhibitions in his own front yard. In fact, his antics with the Eagles became so delinquent that, after the team eventually fired him, I wrote this article – dated November 2005 – which I concluded as follows:

Finally, this is a player who – when he showed up to play for the Dallas Cowboys this season – complained of a mysterious leg injury that kept him out of all pre-season games. Yet he could not resist drawing attention away from those games by donning a (Lance Armstrong) cycling uniform – complete with crash helmet – and cycling like a clown on a stationary bike (and, incidentally, making a mockery of his alleged injury) while his teammates were busting their butts on the field.

Enough?

Of course, these incidents comprise only a small number of the documented stunts T.O. has pulled during his short time in the NFL. But they should suffice to demonstrate why his reputation as a superstar athelete has become overshadowed by his reputation as a superstar pain in the ass!

Given his history, therefore, I’m not sure why anyone was surprised when T.O. gave a sub-par performance in the first game of the season, and looked more like a disoriented rookie than a franchise player during the second one last weekend. Moreover, after those embarrassing performances, it seems entirely fitting that he would suffer some fluke hand injury that threatened to make his fumbling of passes a permanent disability. (And, trust me, nothing was more devastating to T.O.’s ego than having the Cowboys win despite his liabilities….)

All of which brings me to his reported suicide attempt on Tuesday evening:

First of all, I find the mere notion of suicide so utterly incomprehensible that I consider anyone who presumes to know why people do it little more than an arrogant fool. Indeed, I even suspect that most suicide notes that purport to explain such motivations are invariably little more than manipulative rationalizations.

But, whereas I might be concerned about people who commit suicide, I am positively cynical about people who merely attempt suicide. After all, the notion itself is oxymoronic. And the means for anyone who truly wants to kill himself are so readily available (and foolproof) that any “attempt” in this regard must be deemed a ploy.

Indeed, where T.O. is concerned, what better ploy to get the attention he craves than to attempt suicide. Of course, I appreciate that when egocentric men confront the prospect of not being the centre of attention (because injury or anxieties inhibits their performance), they might consider suicide. But, that any of these men would choose popping pills as the way to go is patently absurd; especially for a man like T.O. who probably has access to more than a few (manly) handguns….

Therefore, this clearly reduces all of yesterday’s fuss over T.O. to just the latest episode where everything about football was about T.O. And he would have it no other way….

NOTE: T.O. apologizing to the Cowboys for causing this distraction is rather like an addict apologizing for getting high. But Cowboy fans should beware that – where superstar wide receivers like Lynn Swann and Jerry Rice were able to help their respective teams win multiple Superbowls – T.O. will never be able to help any of his teams win a single one!

Meanwhile, regarding the rest of his PR Conference, this will probably be his best football-related performance of the year. Although, it’s too bad for T.O. that a Columbine II (school-shooting) story broke and deprived him of the 24/7 coverage that would’ve been his….

Nonetheless, if you’re wondering why T.O. and his very attentive “publicist” were allowed to spin this story to make the police and hospital authorities look like liars, it has everything to do with the fact that – whatever T.O. did to become the focus of so much media attention yesterday – he did not commit a crime. Besides, all personnel involved in this pathetic saga are probably Cowboy fans who would do anything to help T.O. get back on the field to do what they’re paying him $25 million to do. And if that means playing along with his (no-harm, no-foul ploy), then so be it.

ENDNOTE to Deion Sanders and all other T.O. enablers: This guy needs a serious “time out”! Because T.O. is a grown man who evidently thinks he can still get away with behaving like a problem child….

Terrell Owens, attempted suicide, Dallas Cowboys