Notwithstanding all other BREAKING NEWS – about the latest from the Olympics, President Obama’s controversial meeting with the Dalai Lama, or the white American terrorist who flew his plane into a federal building in Texas – the press “statement” Tiger Woods will deliver today at 11 A.M. will dominate all media coverage. And fair enough; for he (even if not what he has to say) really is that newsworthy.
Indeed, what is truly remarkable is that one of his PR flacks has made it crystal clear, not only that Tiger will have nothing new to say but that he will entertain no questions from the press. Instead, he’s expected to read a statement in which he reiterates the apology to his wife Elin as well as the regrets to his sponsors and fans that it took him and his publicists three postings on his website to finally get right last December.
Of course he’ll admit that he has been a naughty boy, and that he is possessed by many phallic demons. This is why he will undoubtedly pledge to continue (sexual and marital) counseling to assure everybody of his intent to keep them zipped up while keeping his head(s) on the straight and narrow path of recovery. And I’m sure he’ll do his best to infuse this performance with emotion by interjecting a few sniffles and shedding a tear or two.
But just to make this contrivance complete, he will be reading it before an intimate gathering of family and friends, and a few handpicked (or henpecked) members of the press (for appearances).
Incidentally, despite no longer wearing her wedding ring, the fact that Elin is still sporting his Nike attire is just as reliable an indicator that she fully intends to stand by her man. I imagine not wearing her ring is just her way of showing the world, and perhaps even convincing herself, that she’s not letting him treat her like a doormat.
So, if it plays out as planned, this press event will surely disappoint the tens of millions who have just been longing for him to address, in an Oprah-style confessional, all of the shocking revelations about his private life (of juggling the 19 mistress we know about) that have provided such titillating tabloid fodder the past two months.
So what’s the point?
Well, I have to think that team Tiger has determined that it’s the least he can do to give his remaining sponsors, like Nike, as well as the organizers of the PGA Tour, the closure they need to welcome him back. Because it is also crystal clear that this outing will do nothing to rehabilitate his good name.
And I’ve already telegraphed why here:
This will do little to stop the media from trying to induce every woman he has ever met to spin kiss-and-tell stories … even if they’re pure fantasy. But I urge Tiger to have nothing more to say. Instead he should just let his golf do all of the talking, which is the only way he’ll ever erase this stuff from public consciousness; especially since all of his statements reek of whining, self-righteous blather.
[Tiger issues indignant apology, TIJ, December 2, 2009]
And here:
Winning tournaments in his inimitable fashion is the only way now to eradicate bacchanalian images of his private life from public consciousness – even if not from the tabloids. And only this will give his understandably spooked corporate sponsors [like Accenture who dropped him like a hot potato] the cover they need to feature him as their spokesman once again… In any event, I am convinced that Tiger will return … sooner rather than later.
[Tiger escapes to a “safe haven,” TIJ, December 14, 2009]
Therefore, if you’re planning to tune in to hear him give details about his affairs, or even about the current state of his marriage, don’t bother. Which means that you’ll have to rely on The National Enquirer for answers to such burning questions as:
* We know of 19 Tiger, but just how many women were there?
* Some of them claim that you gave them allowances of as much as $10,000 per month; others that you blew $50,000 to $100,000 on them in one weekend. How much of your $1 billion fortune did you spend on these women?
* Virtually all of them claim that your method of safe sex is having sex your wife knows nothing about. Did it ever occur to you that you were risking not only your life but your wife’s as well by having unprotected sex with these women?
* Was Rachel Uchitel really your favorite?
* By the way Tiger, is it just a coincidence that all of these women are white, or do you have something against women of color, and black women in particular?
Etc, etc, etc. (And by the way, I’m sure some crack reporter will ask him one or more of these questions at some point. But I hope he has the presence of mind to answer, “That’s none of your business,” in every case.)
On the other hand, if you’re a genuine golf fan, he’ll probably say all you want to hear when he confirms that he’ll be returning to the tour sooner (in time for the Masters in April – as I predicted) rather than later (not until next year – as many sports analysts predicted).
NOTE: Tiger’s betrayal and the public humiliation it wrought have evidently caused his wife to become a virtually anorexic. By contrast, Tiger seems to have been drowning his sorrows in tubs of ice cream, and now looks just like all of the other fatsos who play on the PGA tour. Let’s just hope he doesn’t begin playing like them as well….
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Tiger escapes…
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