Kevin Costner Exposed as a Sexual Pervert

The entertainment industry has been buzzing with speculation for 18 months. But nobody thought Kevin Costner would be exposed as the sexual pervert accused of:

performing a sex act while having a massage at a prestigious hotel in Scotland.

He discarded his towel and began spanking the monkey (jerking-off, whacking-off, choking the chicken, oh alright – masturbating!). Yes folks, this erstwhile Robin Hood touched his untouchables. And his masseuse had no way out. But Costner might’ve been suffering a JFK flashback…

No doubt he expected the masseuse to see his personal performance as the climax of her life. But she found it and him disgusting. So she filed a complaint with the local employment tribunal.

Kevin Costner exposed

It would have surprised no one if this were Charlie Sheen or Hugh Grant. But Costner had a more respected and revered reputation. This is why he petitioned the tribunal to shield his name. But the tribunal denied his petition. In fact, its ruling read like the Oracle of Delphi revealing the secrets to immortality:

[We are] not convinced there was a pressing social need convincing enough to allow restrictions to be put in place which would prevent Costner being identified.

(The Independent, April 26, 2006)

But it gets worse. Because Costner assaulted this masseuse while on honeymoon with his trophy wife. He’s 51; she’s twenty-something. Now, I know what unconscionable doggs some of us can be. Alas, sex makes smart men do stupid things.

But most of us wouldn’t even think of assaulting a masseuse on our honeymoon. We’d get massaged only to prepare to perform. Because we know wives are more willing on their honeymoon than they will ever be.

In any case, the smart thing would have been for Costner to get joint massages with his bride.

But it seems he prefers “having sex with someone he loves” and that “a honeymoon in the hand” suits him just fine. Then again, perhaps he was just “cleansing his pipe” to plant healthy seeds in his fertile wife. Sorry…

Anyway, so much for his reputation as the bodyguard any woman would want to be her leading man.

Mind you, I doubt this public humiliation will turn off his wife. After all, the whole point of their marriage is to “cash-in” when the time is right. And, given his behavior, a costly divorce is only a matter of time.

In the meantime, he should pay for thinking he’s entitled to treat women this way. So I hope this episode turns people off his movies forever.

Costner victim gets fired

He was staying at The Old Course Hotel in St Andrews, Fife. But when the masseuse complained to the owners, they fired her. (Why this never became a police matter remains a mystery to me. But even most Englishmen I know find Scottish law incomprehensible.)

Granted, most hotel owners bend over backwards to curry favor with big celebrities. And if that means discarding an employee, the way Costner discarded his towel, so be it. But discarding one for bad service is one thing. Doing so for complaining about a sexual assault is another.

This sets a wholly unacceptable precedent for kiss-ass celebrity worship. Reports are that Costner and the owners are “good friends”. But this only suggests they all expected her to provide services you’d expect only in red-light districts.

It’s no wonder they settled her claim of damages for unfair dismissal on the eve of trial this week. I hope this episode also turns people off their hotel.