Black lawyers wearing white wigs

When foreigners think of The Bahamas, they picture waves washing up on white sand and rays glistening off crystal-blue waters.

But another scene, anachronistic and out of place, is upstaging those images. Black lawyers wearing white wigs and black gowns. This scene is playing out on TV screens worldwide thanks to the infamous saga of Anna Nicole Smith.

Smith is starring in a legal and political drama that has captured global attention. My American friends are amused and bemused, asking about this peculiar scene. Their understandable queries struck a nerve.

Why wear wigs?

Frankly, those white wigs and black gowns make all lawyers look like 17th-century British pansies. Yet Bar Associations throughout the Caribbean require them. I have harbored long-simmering resentment over this.

Of course, many of my compatriots wear their ceremonial garb with professional pride. They believe it adorns them with prestige and reflects the solemnity of court proceedings.

I’ve implored regional governments to abolish the British honors system. It’s superficial and fosters corruption. Worse, it perpetuates slavish deference to British colonial customs. I’ve even urged them to abolish the queen as our head of state.

This spirit drove me to plead for regional judiciaries to abolish wigs and gowns too. The insult to our political independence should be reason enough. But these legal accouterments are more suited to the stuffy, dank, and frigid climes of the British Isles. Besides being outdated, they’re out of fashion in the liberating tropical climes of the Caribbean.

The discomfort of colonial traditions and a plea for change

I gather most Englishmen have sadomasochistic predilections. So, blue-blooded British lawyers might enjoy the itchy discomfort horsehair wigs inflict. But red-blooded Caribbean lawyers wear them under duress — as prickly, unsightly crowns of thorns.

Don’t get me started on the sweat this quaint, effete, and anachronistic regalia produces. Trust me, it poses a formidable challenge to even the most fragrant antiperspirant.