Sammy Sosa: I swear my friends, I have nothing to hide…I’m clean!
Yesterday, the US Congress really lived up to its reputation for political drama and grand standing. The Congressional Committee on Government Reform subpoenaed Major League Baseball’s “biggest” stars for a command performance in what many expected would be a Much Ado About Nothing hearing on steroid use in baseball.
But, as much ado about nothing hearings go, this one was brimming over with emotion and the barely controlled roid rage of some of its feature players.
Regarding the emotion, however, it seemed somewhat abusive for the Committee to throw grieving parents centre stage to perform soliloquies about how steroids destroyed their babies and left them grief stricken. Because, although really heart-rending and moving stuff, nobody cared.
Even more gratuitous was the almost pornographic talk by medical experts about syringes in the butt and peeing in cups. To be fair, they had some pretty important things to say about the effects of steroids. But again, nobody cared.
Then at last, entering stage left, came the real reasons this hearing garnered so much attention: Schilling, Palmero, McGwire, Sosa and Canseco. A lineup of some of baseball’s most admired, talented and overpaid players doing the Congressional perp walk with their equally overpaid Washington lawyers in tow.
And, thankfully, they wasted no time providing the excitement we’ve come to expect from these sports gladiators. Only here, they thrilled us with weeping preambles about becoming spokesmen against steroids, joining Congressional Committees to fight steroid use among kids and honoring their God, wives and the game of baseball. For a moment, one might’ve thought he had tuned-in to a sappy meeting of country club Rotarians.
But then came their verbal swings at one of their own, Mr Jose Canseco: the man who outed them as steroid cheaters and got this Congressional ball rolling. They called him a liar, hustler and many other unsportsmanlike names that seemed rather consistent with their indecorous predicament. So, swing they did, but they all struck out:
Strike 1 was the fact that a defiant Canseco did not flinch. Strike 2 was the fact that they followed their sanctimonious condemnations of him with criminal evasions and taking the 5th to protect themselves againt self-incrimination (presumably because everything Canseco said about them is true). And, strike 3 was the fact that some of them came off like made members of the mob by invoking Baseball’s code of omerta (“I will not testify about the drugs my fellow players took or about those who are homosexuals or cheating on their wives….” Indeed!)
Mark McGwire: The tricky-dick Nixon of Baseball…
Nevertheless, Mark McGwire was the goat in the lineup. He earned his error for raising hypocrisy to steroid induced levels by crying and blabbering-on like a baby during his opening statement then acting arrogant, dumb and mute when questioned by the Committee. The substance of his exchanges with all the members went something like this:
“Mr McGwire, have you ever taken steroids?”…”I tested pos, um, er, what I mean to say is I want to be positive. I’m not here to talk about the past.”
Indeed, one Congressman became so disgusted with his performance that he compared McGwire to Richard Nixon. And, in the context of a Congressional hearing, that’s almost as ominous as the Godfather’s kiss of death.
What drama! And, what a game it was! The MVP award, however, must go to Jose Canseco: For not only hitting all of his questions out of the park but also for exposing the Committee as grand standing frauds for not granting him immunity. Because everyone knows that an immunized Jose would be the only person willing to rat on Baseball and its players. Indeed, much to their embarrassment, Canseco made it perfectly clear that the Committee members really can’t handle the truth about the use of steroids in baseball.
To further this point, consider that Congress has immunized murderers to get at the truth behind murders in organized crime but refused to immunize (an admitted user) Canseco to get at the truth behind steroid use in orgainzed baseball. Why? Clearly, this fact alone indicts the hearing as a grand standing farce.
Yet, both Congress and Baseball performed their roles well. It’s a shame though that they played grieving parents like sacrificial flies to advance their respective PR agendas. But again, who really cares?
Hey, Sammy, how about an autograph? Ah, no – it’s for the Chairman
News and Politics
Anonymous says
It seams to be so by their refusal to immunize Jose.