The Oscars: How did I do?

I have little regard for preening, pampered poseurs showing-off their borrowed frocks and bling-bling as a prelude to a three-hour program – only six minutes of which anyone cares about (i.e. the time it takes to present Oscars for best supporting actor and actress, best actor and actress, best director and best picture). And, remarkably enough, the tedium of the interludes between these carefully spread-out moments is hardly ever broken by the host comedians who invariably deliver more bombs than comic relief. Good luck Ellen….

Given the above, which I wrote yesterday as part of the introduction to the article below on My (Oscar) picks, I really should audition to replace infamous Psychic Miss Cleo who has reportedly gone underground to escape fraud charges.

Apropos fraud, the director of last night’s telecast should be arrested for perpetrating the biggest one in the history of the Academy Awards. Because that had to have been the most boring show ever! In fact little, if any, of the entertainment that advertised was actually delivered. Moreover, holding the audience in suspense is one thing. But holding us hostage for a full hour before awarding the first of the six Oscars anyone cares about amounted to cruel and unusual punishment.

But since I am more a Psychic than TV critic, I shall defer to Tom Shales of the Washington Post to explain just how much of a criminally-misleading farce that show was last night.

Nonetheless, when the first (relevant) winner was finally announced, my clairvoyant powers were immediately confirmed:

ALAN ARKIN in Little Miss Sunshine

Now I dare you to cite a single critic who picked Arkin to win. But instead of gloating too much, I shall suffice to refer you to this list of winners to compare with my article below to see why I am so worthy of replacing Miss Cleo:

Best Motion Picture: “The Departed”

Lead Actor: Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland”

Lead Actress: Helen Mirren, “The Queen”

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, “Little Miss Sunshine”

Supporting Actress: Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls”

Directing: Martin Scorsese, “The Departed”

UPDATE 8:42 am

Best Dressed

André (the giant) Leon Talley of Vogue will turn purple with resentment when he learns that so many of you are interested in who gets my Oscar for Best Dressed. Accordingly, the Oscar goes to Beyonce! For looking so poised and elegant despite having to play second fiddle to Jennifer Hudson (which we all know she detests and finds utterly incomprehensible) and being dumped by Jay Z on the eve of the biggest night of her showbiz career.

But, because I find Beyonce’s fake hair such a turn-off, I feel obliged to give Cate Blanchette an honorable mention as the most attractive woman of the evening.