Well, first things first:
The Host
Evidently, Family Guy Seth McFarlane grossed out so many people with his potty-mouth humor last year that Academy producers decided to overcompensate with the plain-vanilla humor Ellen DeGeneres is famous for.
Which is why they were probably as shocked as her fans were when she went rogue just seconds into her opening monologue. She went off on Liza Minnelli. Poor Liza: imagine all the effort this sobriety-challenged woman must’ve put into getting all dolled up only to have Ellen suggest to the hundreds of millions watching on TV that she looked like a guy in drag impersonating the real Liza Minnelli.
Frankly, it smacked a little of celebrity bullying that she picked on the notoriously troubled Minnelli instead of a highfalutin star, like Angelina Jolie, who could’ve done with being taken down a peg or two.
And there was nothing remotely funny or entertaining in Ellen obliging us to watch her and a bunch of self-indulgent movie stars take group selfies and eat pizza in the middle of the friggin’ show.
Enough.
The Singing Performances
Bono and U2 demonstrated with their acoustic performance of “Ordinary Love,” the theme song from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, why they are so eminently worthy of their iconic status in the world of rock & roll. With all due respect to the other nominees for Best Original Song, including Bette Midler, U2 should have won.
Instead, members of the Academy were clearly swayed by hearing their kids and grandkids sing “Let It Go,” the theme song from the animated feature Frozen, with as much enthusiasm as grownups were singing Psy’s “Gangnam Style” not so long ago.
The Awards
The Oscar goes to:
- Best Actor in Supporting Role: My pick was Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club
The winner was Leto. Except that Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington stole their dramatizing-people-struggling-with-AIDS thunder years ago in Philadelphia.
- Best Actress in Supporting Role: My pick was Lupita Nyong’o in 12 Years a Slave
The winner was Nyong’o. Except that I could have done without the standing ovation they gave her – as if she were a legendary actor receiving a lifetime achievement award. Lingering White guilt…? I could also have done without Lupita’s Halle Berry-like tears, no matter how great and understandable her joy.
- Best Director: My pick was Alfonso Cuarón in Gravity
The winner was Cuarón. (I said all I care to below in “My Picks.” Not to mention that this show has been so long and boring that I can barely keep my eyes open.)
- Best Actress in Leading Role: My pick was Cate Blanchett in Blue Jasmine
The winner was Blanchett.
- Best Actor in Leading Role: My pick was Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyers Club
The winner was McConaughey.
- Best Picture: My pick was Gravity.
The winner was 12 Years a Slave.
I feel obliged to note that many of you inquired why I (as a Black I suppose?) did not pick 12 Years a Slave. I got the impression that this was every bit as incomprehensible as a Black voting for John McCain instead of Barack Obama for president in 2008.
The simple truth is that I didn’t want to associate myself in any way with the apparent belief among movers and shakers that the only way for Blacks to win acclaim in Hollywood is to play plantation slaves, domestic servants, or street thugs. In fact, I hereby call on all self-respecting Black actors to help disabuse them of this belief by, henceforth, refusing to play such roles. God help us if we need Hollywood to teach us about the horrors of slavery or the heroic lives of Black folks.
Epilogue
I’m never going to waste my time watching the Oscars ever again. Because it amounts to Chinese water torture for the producers to make us sit through nearly four hours of boring TV just to hurl four of the six most-suspenseful awards at us in the last four minutes of the show. The six, of course, are for best supporting actor and actress, best actor and actress, best director and best picture.
No offense to screenwriters, cinematographers, makeup artists, et al, but it would be far more entertaining if they presented one of these six awards every 15 minutes and limited the entire show to two hours.
That’s a wrap!
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